On Her Flying Trapeze

Friday, April 14, 2006

Rage Against the Machine

Rally ‘round your family,
With a pocket fulla shells.
And something about a FIST FULLA STEEL!

Not Rage fans? Okay. Never mind. Me neither. We’re more into Raffi now. Rally round your family with a Robin in the Rain. But Robin in the Rain and Baby Beluga won’t make very good background music for my next project.

I’ve decided to smash my sewing machine and serger with a large rusty mallet, cremate their remains and sprinkle the ashes all over the desks of the good people at Butterick!

Who makes a pattern that doesn’t give measurements for sizing?
Who makes a pattern with pleats, a full lining, and an invisible zipper that suggests using sheer fabric?
Who makes a pattern for a butt-ugly sausage wrapper and markets it as instructions for a beautiful dress?
Who thinks that the average woman has breasts that sit above her armpits?

I have never claimed to have a perfect body but I am not:
A) Morbidly obese…yet. (I am currently self-medicating with the Cadbury Mini-Eggs Dan brought home to me along with beautiful I’m-sorry-you-are-a-sewing-failure potted Gerber Daisies.)
B) Freakishly tall (5’6” doesn’t count, does it?).
C) Sagging to the point of needing reality-TV-worthy plastic surgery.
D)10 sizes larger in dresses than I am in pants and shirts.
E)Ever sewing for myself again.

Today has been my sewing nightmare, the likes of which I have not seen since I started sewing 20 years ago. Today is a day that would have junior high HomeEc teachers running for their lives. I swear I ripped out more seams than I sewed. I’m not sure how that’s possible but I’d advise you not to question my logic at this moment. I am currently holding a large rusty mallet, okay?

Today is a day in which I pulled a major pectoral muscle just trying to get out of the straight-jacket I like to call “my Easter dress.” Karli advised me to try icing it before I go into the ER again.

All of its lovely pieces are going into a baggie in the garage where they will await the day that I lose half my body weight , chop several inches off my staggering circus-freak height and get one of those crazy bras that bring my cleavage up to chin-level.

Now I have some demolition* to take care of. Peace out.

*Disclaimer – No equipment will actually be harmed in the process of rage and destruction I am about to embark upon. I love my Babylock and old-school sewing machine with a great love.

32 Comments:

Blogger Grammy said...

Burn it up, Baby! Or cut it into little bitty pieces. Or throw it in a corner, jump up and down on it several times while muttering nasty things about pattern companies, slippery fabric and dead lines. That last is my method of choice.

I'm Sorry, Hon. Some projects are just ike that - no matter how good you are at sewing 90% of the time (especially when you have an occasion and a deadline).

Bury it and move on! Don't let it get you. You are still the very BEST!

4/14/2006 7:59 PM

 
Anonymous Proud Daughter of Eve said...

Sorry to hear you had such trouble with your project. It's so frustrating to have your happy plan fizzle in your face. I hate when that happens and would be inclined to take a rusty mallet to the offening object too! Easter will be special because it is what it is and you have your family with you. :)

4/14/2006 8:23 PM

 
Blogger bowersita said...

You could have DYD try on the sausage dress. It would be funny and he has no cleavages to speak of that would get in the way. Besides, he'd probably do it. LOL DID YOU HEAR THAT, A CHALLENGE DYD,A CHALLENGE. Happy Easter to the Daring Young family anyways.

4/14/2006 8:38 PM

 
Anonymous Shannon in Arizona said...

Oh boy........
Don't want to say to much. Felt the emotions through the blog.....
Backing up I see the fire in your eyes....
Won't ask any questions......
Support ALL choices you make concerning the dress........
:)

Hugs....you did more then I would have.....you TRIED.

4/14/2006 9:16 PM

 
Blogger HangerMom said...

Amen to everything in your post! I just started in on the first dress I've ever made for myself (I've made a couple stunning numbers for my daughter). I've only gotten as far as cutting out the pattern (also Butterick) and I've had to call my mother several times in disgust. Yes, I have a large chest, so yes, I was expecting to have to rework that a little. I purposely bought a pattern on the large side to be safe. According to their given measurements, though, I should have purchased something approximately 5 sizes larger than anything I've recently purchased in a store. Thanks, Butterick. Thanks a lot.

Sorry this is long. I'm just totally feeling your pain right now. I'll keep trying, as I haven't sewn any fabric together on mine yet, so it could still turn into something wearable... but I'm having some serious doubts. Mine's not for this weekend, though, so I have more time to try. I hope your daughter's dress is more successful!

4/14/2006 10:06 PM

 
Blogger Bobita said...

Oh, sorry about your sewing (mis)adventures! But I would love to see some machine demolition! I've got a DVD player you can take on next!

:)

4/14/2006 10:39 PM

 
Blogger owlhaven said...

Ah, yes, pattern sizing is very incredibly, unbelieveably, awfully unflattering. They really need to change it.

Truly, I am sorry. Brings back memories of a certain quilt I started and never finished... it got horribly lumpy and humpy... awful. I stuffed it in a closet for two years, then finally threw it away and felt so much freedom, knowing I'd never have to look at it again.
Hugs
Mary

4/14/2006 10:52 PM

 
Blogger Trivial Mom said...

I'm kind of scared to ask . . .

But Laylee's dress? How did it turn out? (I thought I saw a little girls pattern in the picture . . .)

It's always easier to sew for someone else then yourself. The only thing I will make for myself anymore are skirts (the kind that is a square pattern with the elastic at the top, two seams a hem and your pretty much done. That's all I take on).

Good for you for trying!

4/14/2006 11:28 PM

 
Blogger Jeana said...

Aw, man, what a beating!

I love that you're mom is not encouraging you t "Try again, honey" but instead is saying "Burn it up, baby!" Grammy, you really do rock.

4/15/2006 1:05 AM

 
Blogger Jennie C. said...

Whilst we rage against the pattern companies...why does their sizing not measure up with the real world? I have never, even post pregnancy, worn more than a size 10, and mostly I'm an 8. I got a nice skirt pattern that ran up to size 14. I figured I was safe. I measured myself and cut it out and started sewing. When all panels were assembled into roughly skirt shape, I realized it was WAY TOO SMALL. That was four years ago. It was such lovely fabric that I couldn't throw it away, but I know I'll never be that slim.

I definitely feel for you.

4/15/2006 3:45 AM

 
Anonymous surcie said...

This post is so funny, yo. I might've even snorted.

4/15/2006 4:17 AM

 
Blogger Nettie said...

Oh, so sorry! You are so brave, too! Sheer fabric?!? With zippers?!!? I'm all about elastic, baby. On the bright side you have a totally cool supportive mom AND a baby lock. Jealous!

4/15/2006 4:29 AM

 
Blogger jessica said...

Horrible! So sorry for your angst, but I totally understand. I've made a great many outfits for myself (none of which I wear - so you'd think I'd stop trying, right?) The sizing on patterns are ridiculous, I agree! I wonder if that's what sizes used to be back when lots of people made their own clothes and the pattern people just never bother to update with the times... Hum...

4/15/2006 7:01 AM

 
Blogger Leah said...

I laughed. I cried. It moved me! I would do the same thing to my machine had it created a dress that made me look like a sausage!

4/15/2006 7:15 AM

 
Blogger Liz said...

*insert appropriate sympathetic remarks here* and *insert appropriate kind words about flowers and chocolate here*

;) I made a banquet dress for myself one year at college and was FINISHED - I ironed it, and burnt the back of the jacket. No it couldn't have been the skirt, and easy to redo. I called Mom crying my eyes out and she sent me more money to buy another yard and I redid the back panel and was hemming it (again) the night of the banquet with rollers in my hair. it was too darn close to that deadline for my comfort!!

Have fun shopping today! :)

4/15/2006 7:47 AM

 
Anonymous shannon from rocks in my dryer said...

LOL, Kathryn, I have had the same fantasies, though with mine it's usually because the flippin' thread tension has messed up...AGAIN. Urgh.

And can I just say that I think it is awesome you have a mom that says "Burn it up, Baby!"??

4/15/2006 7:57 AM

 
Blogger ABC Momma said...

I knew when I made those crotch-at-the-knee stretch pants back in junior high that I would never be a seamstress of clothing. Your previous post almost convinced me to try again. Thanks for saving me the pain and humiliation.

So sorry. I hope Laylee's dress was a success.

4/15/2006 9:01 AM

 
Blogger Karen said...

Oh man. That's the pits. You deserve to go buy yourself something new and pretty and READY MADE. I hope Laylee's dress went a little more smoothly.

4/15/2006 9:32 AM

 
Blogger Ashley said...

I'm so sorry. At least you may get to go shopping now. That will be therapuetic. Last year I attempetd to sew 5 halloween costumes, so my kids could be the cast of Wizard of Oz. Well, I didn't even know what "baste" meant. Needless to say, I ended up hot-glueing the majority of the project. Happy Easter.

4/15/2006 9:57 AM

 
Blogger elliespen said...

Yeesh. Sounds like the pattern people are in league with the formal dress people. My sister's getting married and wanted us all to have formal-type attire. It was the single most depressing day in my life thus far: I could not fit into anything lower than a size 20 to save my soul. And I usually wear a 10/12, tops. Luckily she chose a different route and we got dresses that actually reflect real sizes.

For my Senior Ball in High school (when I was much smaller than I am now), I made my own Grace Kelly-type dress, and it went really well. Okay, watched as my grandmother made it is more accurate. (She's the amazing woman who made quillows for all of the grandchildren one Christmas -- all 38 of them.)

But my friends and I also made Sailor Moon costumes back in 10th grade (don't ask) and found out that, while we had a surprising talent for sewing in zippers, for nearly everything else we preferred the hot-glue-and-staples method. But in our defense, I still have the costume and it's still all in one piece.

4/15/2006 10:40 AM

 
Anonymous Emily said...

Oooh, I've NEVER liked Butterick patterns. Most patterns size-wise are bad enough, but all that Butterick has ever done for me is give me a migraine. And don't even get me STARTED on their costumes. The "historic" ones are the worst ever. End of story.

4/15/2006 10:40 AM

 
Blogger Nantie Meg said...

Oh kate, I'm so sorry! patterns are stupid. The last time I had to make a skirt for myself I had to make it twice, the first time it was way too small, and the second time around I over compensated by making it way to big and then taking it in.

About the cleavage to your chin, don't feel bad if the bodice was too small, we can't all have the amazing breastage of a nursing woman.

4/15/2006 10:45 AM

 
Blogger Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Nantie, I love the picture!

DYM, Butterick sucks. There's no two ways around it. I'm strictly Simplicity if I sew at all. Poor darling... have some more chocolate.

Happy shopping!

4/15/2006 11:11 AM

 
Blogger Cheerio's on my butt? said...

Well, thanks for reminding me why I don't sew! I feel better that I'm not the only one who isn't the "perfect little woman", (not that I want to be), that can cook and sew( not that YOU can't sew, I can't) and talk softly to her children all at the same time, with a constant lovely smile! I like your expression of emotion (rage against the machine)! I do that a lot! But not with the sewing machine.... That is hidden away so that I don't have a complete nervous breakdown! If I were you I think it would be a great stress relief to burn the pattern, if you didn't already....Good luck next time!

4/15/2006 6:30 PM

 
Anonymous Caryn said...

I've been at that point a few times. And yet I bought another pattern and the fabric to go with it just this weekend. At least it's for a wall quilt, not clothes. There's a lot more leeway for mistakes when you're quilting. I suggest going that route.

4/15/2006 6:49 PM

 
Blogger a suburban housewife said...

Has anyone suggested turning the fabric-formerly-known-as-a-dress-pattern into quilting fabric?

4/15/2006 7:15 PM

 
Blogger Heth said...

Cadbury Mini-Eggs? Heck, I think this situation calls for the full sized caramel ones. Or I could eat them FOR you.

This is why I don't sew.

4/15/2006 7:17 PM

 
Anonymous Mel said...

That is why I sew skirts. Only skirts. Usually with elastic waists. And then my daughters and I go shopping for sweaters or blouses to go with them

Shoulder seams = my midnight howling.

4/15/2006 9:09 PM

 
Blogger Mel said...

This . . . is the reason I sewed an apron in middle school home ec. We had to model our creation and I was afraid of being a floral-encased sausage.

You do make me laugh, though.

4/16/2006 4:28 PM

 
Blogger Sugarmama said...

Yeah, this is why I stick with things like tablecloths and baby quilts. Straight seams that are meant to lie flat!

4/16/2006 6:02 PM

 
Blogger Heather said...

So, so sorry. I feel your pain and have been where you are more times than I'd like to remember.

I now sew nothing that I will have to wear in public. PJ pants, okay, but that's where I draw the line!

4/16/2006 8:43 PM

 
Anonymous Shannon (Sentimental) said...

Hey girl, I wanted to stop by and apologize for dropping off the face of the earth, I switched over to bloglines for my blog read updates and I guess it doesn't work with yours. I was wondering why you hadn't updated in awhile. Thankfully I was redoing my blog roll and decided to check you out. :) Hope things are well. When I hear that I always think of Dylan Thomas "Do Not Go Gentle Into that Good Night"

4/16/2006 8:47 PM

 

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