Deet Lips are Not for Kissing

A couple of nights ago, my mom put her arm around me and said quietly, “The pool is perfect. There’s a romantic full moon out and I’m going to bed now with my blinds shut and my door closed. Goodnii-iight.”

“Hm,” says I. “Who am I to argue with a parentally endorsed late night swimming smooch-fest? This must be pursued… if Dan would care to participate.”

IF… ha ha ha.

So I strut past my fine and lovely computer-hacking husband in my super-hot $15 Wal-Merto bathing suit with a raise of the eyebrows that can only mean one thing:

"Care to join me for a mysterious and enchanted evening of mystery and mysterious romance where we pretend that we’ve just met poolside at an exotic resort, that we do not spend our days reminding midgets to say please, our evenings pretending to like mushrooms as not to turn the midgets into picky eaters and our nights typing side-by-side on our laptops or sleeping and that you haven’t watched me give birth to 2 children, one the size of a smallish adult manatee?"

You know the eyebrow raise I’m talking about, right ladies? Word.

So, I lounge by the side of the pool, tossing my hair from side to side and trying to decide which is my “good leg.” Should I cross right over left or left over right? I look up at the enchanted moon when, WHAT THE FLYING HECK??!!

That’s right, a piece of flying heck had attached itself to my arm and was sucking the blood from my body – and he’d brought friends. I was suddenly in a swarm. I made a very unladylike leap into the water just as Dan came out to join me, all be-swimming-trunked and manly.

So he didn’t get to see me lounging in the moonlight. Ah well. At least we could go for a romantic swim… except OUCH! I was itching all over. I had several bites all over my body and the mosquitoes were still flying around my head trying to attack. Every time Dan would come near, I’d flail my arm up to fight off another blood-sucking insurgent.

I got out of the pool, retrieved the Deep Woods Mega Deet spray and covered both our heads with it, paying close attention to my face. Too close.

Do you know what happens when you kiss someone with deet on your lips? Deet gets on their lips and seeps into their mouth so that each time they kiss you, they pull away in disgust and spit spastically into the pool. The kissing somehow activates the deet, making your lips go numb and possibly swell up to Angelina-like proportions. You fear death is imminent, so you then rethink your plans for the evening.

Dan: You up for eating some more mushrooms?
Me: Please?
Dan: Oh yeah, sorry. Please.
Me: Sounds good. [SMACK] AAAH!! They’re eating me alive!
Dan: You know how much I LOVE mushrooms!
Me: I can’t feel my lips.
Dan: I’ll get the laptops.
Me: Okay, don’t forget the extra pillow for under my knees.
Dan: Please?
Me: Oh yeah, sorry. Please.